Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
