i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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