Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
