i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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