In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
