if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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