God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
