She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
