you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He shit in the fireplace
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
