1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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