oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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