I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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