My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
