Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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