I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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