i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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