There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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