my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
