Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
