My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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