This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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