Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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