you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
