How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
