How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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