Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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