My hand turned me down
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
