FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
