It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
