i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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