Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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