why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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