idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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