i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
