I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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