As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
