apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize