we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
