Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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