Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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