Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dick very happy bro
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
