I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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