Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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