I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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