the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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