mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
