just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
sarcasm needs its own font
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
