god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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