I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
