hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
