i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize