and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
