just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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