Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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