Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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