so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just invented taco cereal.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
