i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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