Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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