Your mouth is God's brothel.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
